How to speak Neurotypical
Seeing the world through a neurodivergent lens like Autism, ADHD, or dyslexia can feel like existing in a different dimension. Many neurotypical (NT) social rules and norms can feel like invisible traps that make interacting with others confusing. Making matters worse, NT communication norms constantly change. Then, add cultural differences between towns, regions, and countries!
In the simplest terms, neurotypical people often lean away from emotional discomfort and lean towards COMFORT at the expense of efficiency, honesty, resolution, depth, or cohesion. Instead of facing the root causes of uncomfortable emotions or a clash of ideas, NT sometimes prefer “toxic positivity” (optimism that buries negative emotions that might need to be processed).
It can be important to “code-switch” when communicating with your boss, colleagues, family, and friends. Always prioritize your authenticity, self-honesty, and values.
Here are some strategies to try:
- Set the tone – create a safe, nonjudgmental space that both you and others can be comfortable in. Give honest complements. Use supportive/comforting reactions in your face/body language and tone of voice. Nod your head and smile. Let others know that you genuinely care about their wellbeing and want them to be the best person they can be.
- Make eye contact or look at the details of their face.
- Ask more questions, make fewer statements (people in general feel more comfortable when they talk about themselves)
- Prepare others for a transition before steering the conversation. Try signaling that you are going to change topics: “Fun fact…”, “Can I change topics?”, “Can I share something personal?”, “I have a question…”, “Can I ask for some advice?”
- Avoid oversharing, especially personal or emotional information. Others might momentarily lack the mental/emotional capacity to process details/emotion in your communications. Try mentioning a topic let them ask questions, and only answer the questions they ask.
- The purpose of small talk (weather, sports) is to use safe topics to communicate, “I am okay with you being in this space and interacting with me”.
- NT interactions are often a game of “one-up”, a competition where if the NT loses, they can shut off communication. A casual “sorry” or small compliment can signal that you don’t see yourself as better than the other person.
- Don’t interrupt – wait your turn, or make a window for your turn. “Can I interrupt?”, “I have to say something…”.
- Avoid correcting others. If it’s not important, let them be wrong. Even if you disagree with their opinion or you have evidence to the contrary, people generally get uncomfortable when they are corrected, and this can hurt productive conversation
- Because NTs prioritize comfort, they will understand if you need to change the environment for your comfort (“Can we go inside? It’s too bright and noisy out here.”).
- NTs like comments to be soft and sugar-coated, not blunt or strong.
- Say goodbye. Thank others for their time and attention. If you want to connect again in the future, set the intention, location, and/or time.
Have fun! Strategies like these can help conversation can be a fun game. Allowing it to be play instead of work, a game instead of a minefield, can result in meaningful and productive conversations and relationships.
Brain Tree 